A little background: My fiance and I are in our early thirties, healthy, fit, with a 3 year old son. The past year was difficult due to a number of reasons (school, work, etc.) but the cracks in our relationship had started to show before that. Sex had hit about once a month since our son was born and in the last year it’s even gone as far as once every 5 weeks. I’d hear every manner of excuse such as: too tired, tired of dealing with your insecurities in bed, you’re making sex the bottomline and pressuring me. All that. The fact is though she was never too tired to go out with friends or go dancing or whatever. Also I cooked, I cleaned, I did the food shopping, I transported our son to and fro, and I was doing a MA program and working an internship, plus being a father. I still wanted sex. I wasn’t tired even with all that. The insecurities…to be fair, were there. They stemmed from the lack of sex though. A: the infrequency meant I was in perpetual one-minute man mode and I didn’t want to be, particularly when sex came once a month, i wanted to enjoy it. So I’d go into a pity party after sex which I admit is a turn-off. But, B: The lack of sex also made me insecure because it seemed so much like it was an excuse that made me wonder well what the hell is wrong with me/us? The resentment and fighting had kept increasing and the last week of June my wife announced she was moving out because she didn’t want our son exposed to arguments anymore. I agreed it was bad for him. I figured we would resolve things like we always have.

Ok that’s part I of the story. Part II involves a discovery I made in the middle of this latest war that sent things over the edge. All the pieces came together for me one day and it literally has left me in pieces. I had found some poetry my fiance wrote back in late April that seemed to imply she was dreaming about another man and how conflicted she felt by that, upset even by the language of the poem. I had bluffed her back then and said You were talking in your sleep last night and I thought I heard a name. She seemed a bit bothered but I moved on and didn’t think much of it. Dreams are dreams after all.

I hate to admit it but during this latest fight I was in her email. We’ve both been guilty of snooping at different points in the relationship, though I’ve NEVER given any reason to be suspicious. In an email I found her discussing our problems with a girlfriend and then saying in other news…I texted SO AND SO (NOT ME) and he called me back and said i was heavy on his mind. he asked me about the apartment, we talked about (OUR 3 year old) and DAMNIT WAS I NOT LICKIN THE PHONE, I WANTED TO EAT HIM ALIVE! IT SUCKS BIG TIME. he wanted to talk again but our schedules/lives don’t work like that so I said good night CLICK. i love hanging up on him. leave him hanging. he likes it too, we’re sick. The man she’s speaking of is an ex. Turns out the dreams were of him back on April 29th. I began tracking phone bills and saw a bunch of texts and phone calls between them from April 29 to the present when I discovered the phone relationship they were having. Turns out, according to my fiance what happened was after 5 years of not even thinking about the man she suddenly started having dreams about him and felt the need to call him to make sure there was no bad blood there. are you kidding me? i’ve dreamt about exes and never felt the need to call them because i know i’m committed to somebody. There were some lulls in the records (we went on a great family vacation that feels like a slap in the face now), but what caught my eye was two things. First, the morning I told her about her talking in her sleep this is what the phone records show. 2 texts…one at 6:15 am and the other at 6:52 am (can’t tell if they are incoming or outgoing unfortunately), and two calls…one at 7:15 from her, one at 7:30 am him returning the call. This was supposed to be the first time they spoke in 5 years, that comfortable to call at that time? I’m having a hard time accepting that. Not to mention that my wife tried to deny the texts at first and then said oh that’s just me telling him to call me about the dreams. Second that first conversation lasted about 35 minutes. There was another call after she had decided she was moving out that lasted 47 minutes. Supposedly she’s saying they were just talking about life etc.

She says she hasn’t had anything physical with him but nothing is adding up right now and the fact that she’s telling me she loves me and wanted to grow old with me and fix things is driving me crazy. I’m going to counseling myself for it, our son is suffering, we are considering couples counseling but I just don’t feel like I can trust her ever again and I really love this woman and she loves me too according to her. Anyone have advice? I’ve never been this low.
sorry, i’ve always felt like we were already married and often referred to her as my wife , but we are not.
I should mention too that she keeps shifting the blame away from her and wants to make it about how we were a failing relationship already because of ME, as if the problems that existed before weren’t 50/50. she wants me to take the blame and she is just denying that there was anything to this issue with the ex and it’s just me blowing things out of proportion. That there was no interest in sex there and it was never going to happen because she was with me. They were just talking. Seems like a compulsive liar.
It was all behind my back why hide it?