I’m 42 and he’s 39. We’ve been separated for 3 years, married a total of 7 years. Our marriage fell apart because of verbal and eventually physical abuse. At first, I would cry and be upset, then I got fed up and retaliated. So we’re both at fault there. Finally I left.

We have two children, 6 and 4 years and I have a 13 year old son from a previous marriage. Over the last 3 years of separation, we’ve both come a long way, but a HUGE issue between the two of us is my older son. My husband has a big problem with my older son’s father. My oldest son lives with his father and is with me on weekends for the most part. My oldest’s father is very inconsiderate and changes plans constantly, makes plans on my weekends with my son without asking and is always late, that kind of thing. He’s very well off and my oldest son likes being with his dad and step brothers (who are his age) so I hesitate to make him come with me when I know he’ll have more fun with his dad. Usually I try to go with the flow and do what I feel is best for my oldest son. Other times, I don’t and when I feel his dad is taking advantage of me, I do put my foot down. But my husband thinks I should put my foot down EVERY time but I don’t feel like fighting every battle.

I am much more easy going than my husband. I usually look at things with a positive attitude and make the best of whatever life throws my way. But my husband is very rigid about some things and my son’s father’s behavior (and my willingness to give in) causes major arguments between my husband and I. And my husband fights vindictively, calling me vile names and hurting me over things he knows are VERY upsetting to me. My husband feels I should put our children and family as the priority. In a sense, I agree, but my oldest son is still my child and in my mind ALL the kids should come first. This is one of several issues we have.

MY biggest issue aside from the friction with my oldest son is my husband is a complete slob. I try to clean and organize but he gets VERY upset if I touch his things or anything that he has put somewhere specific (for example, our bills go in a big plastic bag and once a month he dumps it out to pay them - when I try to organize them in a file, he FREAKS saying now he can’t find anything). Nothing is really organized and there’s a ton of clutter in our home.

One very big bone of contention between us is his dog. When we got married, he had two big dogs that he didn’t take care of and they were always dirty and smelled and basically we had to recarpet the whole house. Whenever we fought, he babied the dogs to get to me then talked to me like dirt. Finally, they had to be put down because of health problems and I was like, thank GOD! (I am NOT a dog person). During our separation, he got a huge Doberman. Before he got it, I told him another dog was a deal breaker with me and if he got the dog, no reconcillation. Well, he got the dog anyway and after a lot of promises, I gave him the benefit of the doubt (he said he would take care of her properly). Well, he hasn’t been. I stayed at our house (I live in a rental currently) last weekend, and the house was a mess, the dog was dirty and stunk and the back yard was full of dog poop (he won’t walk her, just opens the back door and lets her use the back yard as a toilet). I love him, and when I try to talk to him about the dog, he says I’m jealous and that’s why I don’t want the dog.

He is pressuring me to move back home but I am hesitant. I think he’s going through a major depression (he’s been unemployed for a year and his bills are really a mess). Whenever I’ve tried to just make a clean break, I can’t do it. I picture him with someone else and I just can’t handle it. I love my home that I’ve made (we live in the same town) in my rental and I hate to give it up. But I know that I’ll be a complete mess if he moves on to another woman.

I only have about 3 weeks to make up my mind (my lease is up for renewal). I’m overweight and don’t feel very attractive and I think part of my hesitation in giving him up is my low self esteem. I also have no family and am deathly afraid of being alone forever with no one to take care of me (I am living paycheck to paycheck). Don’t get me wrong, I do love my husband but I’m not sure I can live with all the issues we have.

I am by no means without fault and I realize that. My oldest son and husband have always gotten along fine, so I’m not concerned about that if we move back in together and my two youngest (our kids) want us back together badly. My husband has no patience and I don’t want to be the one always trying to keep the peace. But I don’t want my kids to blame me for not making my marriage work either.

Any insight, advice or observations that are not insults would be very much appreciated.