About 7 months ago i went to visit my brother for the weekend. We had some drinks and decided to go to a club.. at first i didn’t want to as i stayed far away i didn’t feel like driving (cause the club was half an hour drive from my brothers house) but then i decided i never see my brother so let me make it fun for him so we invited all our friend to come with.. we went with a bakkie. We had an amazing night and spoke about so many things..we kept on hugging each other and from time to time he would call me from a distance and shout ’sussa i loooove you’ to which i would reply ‘boeta i looove you’..we left at about half past 4. We stopped at a garage to get pies for everyone.. he asked me if he could drive and i said no..i sat in the front while my friend was driving, my brother and all the other friends were sitting on the back of the bakkie. We must’ve been driving for 10mins when i looked up into the mirror for some reason and saw something fly thru the air and at that moment someone shouted REINHARD…i immediately told my friend to stop..i jumped out and ran as fast as my legs could take me but it felt like i couldnt move..i got to him..it was my brother, lying in a pool of blood..i couldn’t believe my eyes. I fell to the ground and ask please God please not me, not him, not now..i thought to myself is this how its gona end..is this really it. I tried to lift his head and my hand felt a hole in the back with blood running out..i kept shouting ‘GET AN AMBULANCE, CALL A DR!!’ i lifted his upper body and supported it with mine. I tried to keep pressure on that hole cause i thought maybe they could come and safe him like in the movies. I remember jumping in front of a car, opening the door, falling on the floor and asking the young lady to please call an ambulance cause my brother is dying..but sitting there with him in my arms bleeding like that everything just went quite..I couldn’t see anyone around me, i didn’t hear anything. I looked at him and blood was coming out his ears, his eyes..i whispered in his ear i told him be strong they’ll be here soon, be strong for us, i love u so much, why?? why did u do it?? i could see he was struggling to breath so i tried with one hand to close his nose and blow air into his lungs..i could feel him hurting so i stopped..i felt him die i felt a piece of me die, my best friend, my little brother who was the only person i trusted after my parents divorce, my life just ended and i couldn’t do anything..i sat there helpless holding him, knowing he passed away i told everyone to stay calm and call my mother. We were still waiting for an ambulance as there were no hospitals nearby..my friend suddenly handed me the phone, it was my mother. Hearing her voice sent a guilt feeling thru my body..’how do i tell u i killed your son’ is all i could think.. ”mom he’s dead, mom he died…””what do u mean, are you joking and she started crying i couldn’t bear it.. ”i’ll keep him till you get here” and thats what i did..i don’t know who even called my dad and thats another thing thats bugs me everyday.I sat there holding my brother from 4:45 to about 8..i didn’t wana let him go..i remember asking for a cloth and i cleaned his face cause i didn’t want my parents to see him like that but i completely forgot that i was covered in blood..i didn’t care, i didn’t care about anything..i kissed him on his lips so many times begging him to wake up, begging him to just kiss me one more time..alot of things happened in the few hours that i was holding him but i don’t remember everything..this is actually the first time since it happened that i think about it for so long..

it hurts so much, i stayed strong during the funeral for my mom and dad..i feel in a way its my fault cause i should’ve been more responsible. i miss him sooo much..he was so handsome and even tho he was younger he was bigger and always protecting me..

sometimes i feel like im losing my mind..i have flips where i get so angry especially with my poor boyfriend who has been so supportive, i hit him and break stuff and cry so hard that it hurts me inside..ive thought about dying..sometimes i just stand on a balcony thinking of jumping off. i feel like i have all these emotions locked up inside while my strong face just got so good that no1 can see im hurting.. i got so good at pushing problems to the side just so i dont get upset thinking about it..i dono i ill ever feel normal again..its been 7months and i cry when i see some1 dying or in pain..im all of a sudden scared of death but suicidal at the same time

my brother died at the young age of 18..3days before his last exam. he was gona move back home the next week

Reinhard Kotze 1990-06-01 2008-11-29
I’ll never forget you
xx