This is going to be rather long because it’s a long and complicated string of events. I’m really hoping that somebody can offer some insight so I can finally get some rest. I’m 15 years old. I’m well liked at school, though not part of the in crowd. As you can tell from my username, I’m a big fan of Metal. I’m an avid musician: a multi-instrumentalist in fact. I compose music in my spare time, and I’m a bit of a language geek. I’m basically a normal, well-adjusted and intelligent kid.
However, on the 21st day of my grade 9 year, the first day of high school, I had my first experience smoking weed. I have no idea why I started. It wasn’t peer-pressure, quite frankly I don’t give a damn what people think of me. But I tried pot. It was rather strange the first time; I mostly felt dazed (which is the normal first reaction) and went to sleep feeling confused and muddled. I was fine for a while, until in early November my depression started. I had never been depressed before but suddenly, I was just drowning an an ocean of my own self-misery. It was ridiculous. I very nearly took my own life, however by the time the holidays rolled round I was sufficiently composed to resume my normal life, more or less. In retrospect I’d bet cold hard cash that the pot had at least something to do with that horrible November. Anyway, it was around December 18th when I tried weed again. It was in passing, as a post-exam celebration with two friends. I wasn’t quite getting high yet, but I was getting there. Again, I left it alone for several months with no apparant side effects.
Around the spring I began smoking more. I was seeing a girl who was very into smoking at the time and as the year began to wind down I’d find myself smoking up to 2 or 3 times a week at minimum, usually after school. After enjoying the hospitality of rich friends for too long I even began to buy my own stuff to enjoy at lunch or before I went home. I began to get really fucking lax in my judgement and acted quite stupid on numerous occaisions. It’s a wonder I wasn’t caught. I won’t go into detail on that, it’ll take far too long and is far too stressful. It was early in the spring when I experienced my first panic attack. I was high on a perticularly strong batch of marijuana and hashish when suddenly I felt… Not quite right. I began freaking out, and only after careful calming down by a friend was I able to feel normal.
In June I was smoking a lot. Eventually due to my own carelessness I was caught by my mom. I got hell for it, and figured it was time to stop anyway. I began to feel really good and decided that I would stop smoking for an extended period of time. The panic attacks continued, and eventually brought with them a sense of dread, helplessness and depersonalization (is this a dream?) which continue to this day. Sometimes I feel happy and normal, however many times I don’t. I’ve been clean for almost 7 months, but I still feel horrible. My mother still sometimes suspects me of being high, which just adds to the stress of the whole situation. Am I going nuts?